Everyone has at least one question in them, but sometimes the road to the answer can be a bumpy one. Maybe it’s highly personal or something you’re afraid to say out loud, or just a certain question you can’t get off of your mind. Whatever it is, Lola the latte logo is here to lend a helping hand (that is, if she had any, of course). This week, she answers your Q on finding long-term love instead of short-term romances.
Dear Lola: It’s not that I don’t want to date guys (like actual dates), but every situation I end up in just leads to them wanting to hook up and nothing more. How do I get out of this cycle and actually get them to go on dates with me?
-Newsette reader from New York, NY
This is an incredibly common occurrence–especially when online dating is involved. If you think about it, it’s so easy for a person looking for a hookup to simply scroll through any myriad of apps, send a few messages, and meet up with someone they like. So, first of all, take yourself off of all the easy apps–I mean the ones with the least barrier to entry for these hookup-searching potential partners. Tinder, for example. Ideally, you’d stick to apps or sites that require some sort of payment, or that only give you a few matches each day, since those will only attract people who want to find a long-term connection. Same goes for offline date-searching. Avoid situations that attract people who probably aren’t looking for meaningful relationships (night clubs for example). A better way to find someone might honestly be the most old-fashioned: ask your friends if they know anyone who might be right for you, who is also looking for something beyond a fling.
In any scenario, since your goal is several dates, you should set clear expectations from the get-go. Saying something like “Allergic to flings” on your dating profile might do the trick–or simply telling whoever you’re chatting with that you’re looking for a relationship that lasts more than one night. For more subtle approaches, ignore requests to hang out after 10 P.M., and advocate for a date that is better suited for getting to know the other person rather than hooking up (mini golf instead of a loud concert, for example). These actions should let the other person know you’re serious about finding love, and aren’t just in it for the short term. Good luck!