Everyone has at least one question inside of them, but sometimes the road to the answer can be a bumpy one. Maybe it’s highly personal or something you’re afraid to say out loud, or just a certain question you can’t get off of your mind. Whatever it is, Lola the latte logo is here to lend a helping hand (that is, if she had any, of course). This week, she answers one of your questions about being picky when it comes to love.

“Dear Lola,

I’m super picky when it comes to relationships. And even when I do pick them, they turn out to be not who I thought they were. I’m scared that my “pickiness” will hinder me from ever finding love. Like long-lasting, let’s-get-married-love. What can I do differently?”

To start, being picky isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Knowing what you do and don’t want in a partner is actually good, since you’ll be able to communicate that when you begin a serious relationship. It’ll also likely save you heartbreak, since many of us often decide to pursue a romance that we know isn’t going to go anywhere, possibly because we’re not picky enough. However, it’s important to keep in mind that we’re all human–and there’s no such thing as a “perfect” partner.
So, there’s definitely such a thing as being too picky.
What can you do differently? Make a small list of deal-breakers. Keep it to five things you absolutely cannot tolerate in a future love. Examples of some of the most common deal-breakers, according to Psychology Today, include: Too needy, low self-confidence, doesn’t want to have kids, not athletic, lacks sense of humor, etc. Beyond your five deal-breakers, I would encourage you to keep an open mind. Go on a few dates with people who pass your deal-breakers, but who you might not typically expect to form a connection with. Your “pickiness” might actually be due to simply not having experienced certain personality types. It’s like saying you don’t like sushi when you’ve actually never tried it. Date widely! You might be surprised by how your tastes adapt. You only truly know what you like/don’t like after you’ve experienced it, after all. Also, keep in mind: you say you’re super picky, yet even after you pick someone, they still end up disappointing you. If anything, that’s a sign that it might be time to change your ideal-partner-criteria a bit.
Finally, in my opinion, the key to long-lasting, let’s-get-married-love is not only accepting, but loving your partner’s quirks. When you find the person you’re meant to be with forever, it won’t be because they’re perfect–it’ll be because you love them despite (or even because of) their imperfections.