Fight, flight, or freeze. Everyone talks about those 3 reactions in terms of serious danger, but we also face them in daily situations. Do I honk at the person trying to steal my parking spot at Trader Joe’s? (Yes.) Can I run out of this date with Mr. Walking Definition of Toxicity? (Also yes.)

Another situation we’ve been in: overhearing a friend of a friend say something transphobic and not knowing what to do. Being an ally means speaking up, but that can be scary and uncomfortable—especially if you don’t know what to say. That’s why we called Amber Hikes (they / them), the ACLU’s Chief Equity and Inclusion Officer, to give us the exact words that can be hard to find in the moment.

Here are scripts to use when you’re ready to take political action, call in someone who’s misinformed, and even get called in yourself (cause we’ve all been there).

What’s Happening: Your state has a bill that would prevent trans children from getting the medical care they need.
What to Say When You Call Your State Rep: Hello, my name is <insert name here> and I live in your district. I am deeply opposed to the life-threatening bill that would take critical care away from children in our communities. Research tells us that when gender-affirming care is provided, every aspect of health and safety improves for that child. Trans kids, like cis kids, deserve to be protected and cared for. I urge <insert state rep name here> to vote “no” on this bill and keep our children safe, happy, and alive.

What’s Happening: You’re talking to your aunt when she says, “I just don’t get it with the pronouns. Everyone is too sensitive these days.”
What to Say: It was hard for me to relearn some of my friends’ pronouns too and I still mess up sometimes. But I know how harmful invisibilization can be. Using the right name or pronouns is simply a sign of respect. One of the tricks I use when I’m worried I might forget someone’s new pronouns is to practice using them on my own. I think, “Christina is so nice. They were with their friends at lunch and they made sure to save a spot for me anyway. They’re so thoughtful.”

What’s Happening: Your friend that is queer told you that it hurt them when you joked about someone being asexual.
What to Say: Thank you for telling me. I know it’s a lot of emotional labor to check in about this—I appreciate you letting me know. My intent was to be funny, but I see it had a really different impact and that’s what matters. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You didn’t deserve that. I’m going to do some learning on my own about asexuality so I can do better.