Talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo anymore, right? Right. Which is why sex & relationship therapist Casey Tanner (she/they) wrote an entire book about it. Feel It All—which just dropped today—is basically an invitation to your next sexual awakening. “This awakening is not about having sex X number of times per week or being ‘better in bed,’” she says. “Rather, it’s a call to examine the sex miseducation that has left all of us feeling insecure about sex, and to move to a place of deeper security: wherever you are, whoever you are, and whatever great sex means to you.”

As you wait for Casey’s book to ship to your mailbox, keep reading to learn about their thoughts on the stereotypes and stigmas surrounding sex, the health benefits of the activity, as well as what to do if it’s not everything you want it to be.
 
What can we expect from your latest how-to guide?
In Feel It All, readers will meet a number of sex therapy clients who are searching for sexual security—including me! My own journey from pursuing a career in evangelical ministry, to learning how to have my first orgasm, to becoming a sex therapist is woven through the pages in order to normalize the many diverse paths to sexual awakening.

We love that for you (and us!). Now, we all know that there are far too many misconceptions about sex. Which ones do you hear most, and how can we reframe our thoughts on them?
I’d love to banish the idea that happy couples always have great sex. No one, and I mean no one, always has great sex. A fulfilling sex life is not about getting it right, it’s about being with the ebb and flow of your sexual desire without panicking. A common misconception I hear is that masturbation negatively impacts partnered sex. The research says just the opposite! The more we learn our own bodies, understand what works, and are comfortable in our own skin, the more likely we are to communicate effectively about what we want in a relationship.

The biggest stereotype I’d love to dispel, though, is the idea that we are done with our sexual development in our 20s. Sexual awakening is a life-long process, and many people find they have the best sex of their lives in their 30s, 40s, and beyond! I’d encourage you to be open to being surprised by your sexuality, no matter how well you think you know your sexual self.
 
Sex is also super beneficial, especially in the health department. What are some tried-and true mental and physical perks of sex?
Research shows that having sex can lead to more restful sleep, lower blood pressure, and even decreased menstrual pain. From a mental health perspective, sex can improve self esteem, reduce stress and increase your perception of your attractiveness and desirability. At the same time, the health benefits of sex are not a reason to push yourself to do anything you don’t want to do. In other words, I don’t want to give people one more reason to feel guilty if sex isn’t a priority right now. You can receive these same health benefits in a variety of ways, with or without your clothes on.

So, how exactly can we reimagine our relationship with sex if it’s not everything we dreamed of?
A couple of things to keep in mind are:

1. Schedule play, not sex. I like to push back on the idea that scheduling sex is the solution to a sexual dry spell. For many of us, scheduling sex adds one more “should” to our plates—one more opportunity to disappoint, or to be disappointed. I’d far sooner recommend scheduling intimacy, or scheduling play, as an entry point to connection that may or may not lead to sex.  Take a bubble bath, dance to a playlist from the year you graduated from high school, or let laughter lead you to desire.

2. Foreplay starts the minute you wake up in the morning. Many people think of foreplay as the non-penetrative touch that happens before the “main event,” but this way of thinking about sex limits creativity and desire. I tell my clients that foreplay starts the minute you wake up in the morning. It’s implicit in the way you talk to a partner, the way you practice attuning to a partner’s needs, and the way you tend to yourself. There is no “main event.” Every step towards intimacy is important in its own right.

3. The key to boldness is security. Getting better at initiating sex is not about finding the perfect, suave thing to say; it’s about believing that you can survive rejection. The more you trust yourself, and your partner(s) trusts you, to take a no with grace, the more you will be empowered to take the risk of expressing your desires.

And finally, what’s your advice for those who are anxious to voice their concerns about their sex life with their partner(s), or even with themselves?
Start small. By the time we’re gearing up to express concerns about sex, we’ve typically been holding anxiety in our bodies for some time—we may have an entire list of things we’d like to look different! But sexual awakenings don’t happen overnight, so choose one thing, like one piece of feedback, as your starting point. And when in doubt, get meta with it: Talk about talking about sex. Say, “Hey, we haven’t checked in about how sex is feeling for a while. Is that something we could make time for?”

If getting in touch with your desires and concerns feels new or scary, I recommend starting out by listening to other people model these skills. Try listening to a podcast about sex from a creator you trust, or even audio erotica. For many, just hearing the word “sex” on repeat is a massive step up from the shame and silence we experienced when we were younger.