Dear little me,

I wish I knew exactly how to properly prepare you for all of the commas that will come after your name. Right now your core ones are: Maddie Zahm, Christian, daughter, sister, singer, guitarist, swimmer, lonely, American Idol fanatic, goofy, careless, distracted, kind. And most of those commas are going to be a life-long description of who you are—especially goofy. I wish I could see your face the moment I got to tell you that we’re a touring musician that’s overcome her countless eating disorders, came out of the closet, healed her relationship with her mom, and learned to like the body we’re in. Part of me thinks I’d want to tell you about the sad parts as a warning. The parts when you’ll gain almost a hundred pounds one year and how kids will be mean, specifically boys at church camp. I also want to warn you that mom and dad may not give you the greatest coming out story there ever was and how you’ll cry in your small closet room in LA wondering if they’ll ever come around. But since I only have you for a few minutes, instead I want to tell you about all of the things we learned. We learned that we do not do well memorizing lyrics but somehow are able to remember every single one of the songs we write. We learned that mom and dad are much more flexible than we thought. (Dad especially.) We learned that they’re the type of parents to embrace your sexuality even if it takes a little bit. We learned that the idea of having a wife someday makes our heart flutter. We learned that the church isn’t the safest space for us and that’s okay. We learned how to respect people’s boundaries and how to keep our own. We learned that American Idol is maybe more fun to watch than be a part of (you got kicked off, queen!). Anyways, you’ll learn a lot. Some of those lessons will hurt a great deal and you’ll think you won’t recover. Your first heartbreak will knock the absolute wind out of you. But let me tell you, you will love the person you become. So instead of giving you all of this advice on how to avoid the first time you kissed a boy or walk away from that ex who ruined all of your big moments, I’m actually just going to tell you to take your time. Because each of those things led us to the person we’ve become. And you might not like her at first, but I do—a whole lot.

Love,
Maddie