Pattie Ehsaei

Pop quiz: Does the fork go on the left or right? Answer: We don’t really care. But Pattie Ehsaei (she / her), known as the “Duchess of Decorum” on TikTok, does. When she’s not leading meetings as the senior VP at First Bank SBA, she’s teaching her followers how to be as poised as a princess. (Hint: Never say “shut up!” during tea time.)

Here the 49-year-old explains how she became an etiquette expert, the proper way to use a table knife, and how great posture can lead to a great promotion.

Etiquette seems very antiquated. Why did it interest you?
When I started at Loyola Law School in Chicago, it [became] a necessity. I moved here from Iran when I was 7, and my parents didn’t have a lot of money. Law school was the first time I was around really wealthy individuals, so we would go to lunches or dinners or even afternoon tea, and I would just embarrass myself. I said, “If I want to fit in with this crowd, I better start learning.” Back then, the internet wasn’t a thing, so I checked out as many books on etiquette as possible and taught myself. I was [also] a waitress at a fancy restaurant, so I learned even more about food etiquette, how to pronounce things, and what everything is on the table.

Etiquette can feel sexist sometimes. What do you think about the gender-based rules we’re supposed to follow?
In general, etiquette is gender-neutral. Rules like a man pulling out a woman’s chair or opening the door came about because back in the Victorian era, women were wearing huge dresses and couldn’t maneuver well. In order to get into a car or building, the man had to open the door. So it’s not really based on sexist notions, but more on practicality. [For example,] a lot of women think a man should always pay, and I don’t agree with that. Whoever [plans] the date should pay the bill. If the man is always paying, the woman loses her power in the relationship.

Are there certain things you look for in someone’s behavior during an interview?
Absolutely! Behavior is at least 50% of the interview. When somebody walks in, I first look at the way they’re dressed. Are they dressed professionally? Neatly? I also observe the way they shake my hand. Are they giving me a nice, firm handshake? Looking me in the eye? Or is this a wimpy handshake and [they’re] looking down? [There’s] also etiquette in how they introduce themselves and how they sit across from me. Are they sitting properly or slouching?

What’s one act of etiquette we all think we’re doing right, but are actually doing wrong?
Wow, there are a lot… One of the main rules I see people breaking is the way they hold their fork. A lot of people hold it with their middle finger, and that’s not the appropriate way. You’re supposed to hold it between your index finger and your thumb—your middle finger should rest underneath the fork. Another one is people cutting their meat incorrectly. The proper way is to cut in one direction, not back and forth. You want to start at the top and cut downward.

Why did you start teaching etiquette on social media?
It’s important information for young people to know, especially those in underserved communities. The way you act in public determines how people react to you and the jobs you get, so it’s important to learn… People relate to me because I didn’t grow up in a wealthy family. I didn’t go to finishing school like most etiquette experts. If I can do it, they can, too.