Everyone has at least one question inside of them, but sometimes the road to the answer can be a bumpy one. Maybe it’s highly personal or something you’re afraid to say out loud, or just a certain question you can’t get off your mind. Whatever it is, Lola the latte logo is here to lend a helping hand (that is, if she had any, of course). This week, she delves into a couple of friendship questions you asked, and shares her advice on how to make new friends and deal with bad ones.
I am about to graduate college (yay!) and about to move to a new city! I don’t know anyone in the city or my company. Additionally, my company is a little older and doesn’t seem to have a ton of 20-somethings working there. How do you make friends in a new city or at a new company?
— Newsette reader from Atlanta, Georgia
Congrats on graduating! Your fear of not knowing how to find friends in a new city is extremely common, so don’t feel like you’re going to be the only one who doesn’t know anyone. Trust me, everyone your age has experienced this, and will probably be happy to add a kind, interesting person to their friend group (you!). If this problem wasn’t so rampant, Bumble wouldn’t have created Bumble BFF, after all…
Here’s my advice. Think about what kind of friends you want to have. As you know, your friend group can really affect your life—for better or worse. Do you want to be surrounded by creatives? Positive people? High-achievers? Depending on what your answer is, think about where these people hang out. You’ll find writers in writing groups…intellectual women in book clubs…kind people volunteering at your local non-profit. Alternatively, you can start with what interests you. If you’re an artistic person, take a pottery or painting class. If you’re sporty, join a local league. There are tons of interest-based groups in every city, and finding them is just a matter of doing some googling, and showing up. As far as making friends in your company, I would recommend just being kind to everyone around you, and seeing what happens. The people you work with don’t necessarily have to be your bffs. And, honestly, sometimes it’s better that way.
Is a friend who sometimes doesn’t reply, sometimes with an excuse as to why they didn’t and sometimes just no reply, still a decent friend?We make plans in advance, but sometimes I don’t hear from them when the moment comes. What should I do?
— Newsette reader from Ontario, Canada
First of all, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Feeling like a friend doesn’t take you or your time seriously can hurt—but rest assured that most (if not all) of us have felt this same disappointment.
Secondly— it’s important to consider that your friend might be going through a rough time. If something stressful is going on in their life (such as a family issue, or career letdown), it’s common for people to pull away. It’s hard to be a good friend when your life seems to be turning upside-down, you know? That said… if this has been going on for a while, they may just be a flaky person, in which case, no they’re not a good friend. It sounds like you are giving a lot more energy to keep this friendship alive than they are, and in the end you’re the one left feeling hurt. My advice is to send one last message: “Hey, I’ve made an effort for us to speak and see each other, but I don’t see the same enthusiasm on your end. I realize you might have a lot on your plate, so I’ll leave it to you to reach out if you want to get together.” That way, it’s on them to make the next move. Don’t text or call them again. If they truly value your friendship, they’ll initiate contact.